Thursday, April 1, 2010

Pregnancy nightmare #15: Apocalypse Now


We heard a storm was coming. Normally we would not pay much attention but this storm was supposed to be different. Media said it was the biggest storm in 100 years, conspiracy geeks said it was the end of the world as we know it, and governments did not comment… we didn’t know what to make of it but decided to be on the safe side and take it seriously. So, we got ready… We closed the doors and windows with wooden planks and plastic sheets, put a little probe outside the window to warn us when the levels of sulfur in the air rise to alarming levels… and started gathering supplies to put under our king-size bed (which we moved to the lower floor, just to be safe). We had to make our lives livable under there for at least 3 days and we still needed enough space to fit our family – me, my husband, and two kids (who, coincidentally, were about 5 and 3 years old – just like they’re gonna be in 2012). So we gathered some food, blankets, flashlights, and poop bags and as soon as we were finished, the probe started beeping. We pulled it in, closed the window with some nails, and quickly hid under the bed.

“But shouldn’t we turn off the electricity as a whole,” asked my husband: “you know our luck… I bet we let the light on in a hallway and by the time the storm is over, our generator’s gonna be depleted.”

Indeed we did.

Luckily, we managed to get under the bed just in time. The last glance out of window revealed a huge, black and lightning-filled storm cloud that was quickly approaching us and destroying everything in its path. We hid under the bed, huddled together and felt the strong vibrations as the storm hit our house. It shook. Some windows broke. Glass shattered just next to us. The noise was overwhelming. We listened to the radio as the reporter talked about the storm. And then, just like that - it was over. All the noises stopped. We heard just the strong wind outside. And the radio went to static.

The winds, silent distant screams and roars lasted for three days. The hardest part was to keep Martin under the bed with us while trying to explain how one uses a poop bag. On the fourth day, we finally didn’t hear anything and the 3-day-long night seemed to be over. It was light outside. No cloud in sight. We went out.

Our eyes hurt from all the sunshine… and from the fact that our neighborhood was transformed from lush and green scenery into a desert-like wasteland. There were almost no houses left. All the trees were gone or destroyed by the storm. There was really little but the sand and dust… and a couple of survivors. We saw a small group of people in the distance. They seemed to be getting ready to strip some cars for parts… we carefully approached them and after listening to them for a some time, noticed, that they had no idea what they are doing – and why. We suggested that there was nothing left for us to do here. And since it was truly a wasteland, we needed to find a better place to live. So, we got together, stripped the cars for parts, gas and other supplies, loaded a big bus that was standing by, and left that damn city to look for survivors and places not hit by this mysterious volcano-like storm somewhere else… somewhere south and warm. Next stop – California.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Lords of Kobol, save my soul


In 7 days, Battlestar will be blown to pieces, president will be dead, and I will be stuck with some losers on an island in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, Galactica is nearing its end and I have realized the ultimate truth: there is nothing waiting for me afterwards. Nothing. Sure, I can explore ancient Egypt with some trigger-happy idiots, I can eat spaghetti and watch NJ mafia guys kill each other, I can spend my evenings watching Jack torture people because there is no time and no other choice, I can go back to Hercules on LSD saving the universe from flesh-devouring piggies, watch Babylon's tuberculosis-infused robots or Farscape's pregnant ships… or just let my brain die slow and miserable death by watching the endless flashbacks and totally ridiculous attacks of the boar queen on the magical island filled with polar bears, dinosaurs, and people with IQ<50. I am so frakked.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Frak Marla!


How come Marla's so famous and my work's being admired only by a small group of friends and Microsoft employees? She started working on her art when she was 3 and she only did paint on canvas, I've already beaten her to it. I started as soon as I turned one and I've explored so many different media, it's unbelievable I haven't heard from Christies yet. Maybe it's because my parents moved from Binghamton before I was born and I lack the stimulating environment of the rural nothingness. Hard to tell. But if I were to choose between "Binghamton fame" or "Seattle circle of the closest friends," I think I'd grab a cup of latté and be the happiest baby on the block... any day!

My Trip to the Arctic Circle


So, I made it through Christmas with a pretty cool train, rocking pup and lots of socks… and after new year's we went to visit the Czech Republic. I must say, it sucked. The flight was terrible. I was promised my own bed but the flight attendants assessed me as being too big and after a couple of hours of my sincere (and loud) protesting, they got me a paper box to lie in on the floor. And they were surprised I kept on being "dissatisfied." I couldn't stretch my legs, my back hurt, the pasta was gross, and I wasn't able to sleep in 30+ hours… so, when I got to my grandma's I was REALLY upset. And when I thought everything was getting better, the time shifted. Don't take me wrong, I liked partying till morning hours but then every day somebody woke me up early 'cause they just had to call or ring the bell or even come to see me. The food was ok but I missed my goggrts, and the weather was terrible. I never realized this post-communistic country was so close to the Arctic circle. I was surprised not to see any penguins. Hm, they probably died out due to the inversion. Also, I never knew this country was so gray - the houses, the cars, the snow, the people. I don't think I've seen one person wearing something bright… or smile, for that matter. It was so depressing. Of course, everybody wanted a piece of me, nobody respected my wishes for privacy, and I took so many pictures like never before (and that's HUGE considering my parents are crazy wanna-be photographers). But on the bright side, I got lots of presents, didn't catch the throwing-up bug like mommy, and saw my grandparents and my cousin. The thing is, next time they can all come here. Or we can meet in Hawaii. Aloha.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The end of the world


We're gonna have a white Christmas this year, assuming we'll manage to survive that long... It all started last Friday. Like every week, my mom took me grocery shopping. It was pure chaos. There were hundreds of completely freaked out housewives fighting over last pieces of bread and potatoes. The lines were so long you didn't see the end of them and everybody's carts were so full, you would have thought the Germans were coming to town. And the reason? It was supposed to snow on Saturday. And it did. Everything collapsed. The roads were closed, people were snowed in and the radio urged us all to stay in or if we HAD TO go out, put the snow chains on and always carry warm clothing, enough food and a battery-operated light source. As a result, only the desperate or brave ones left the safety of their homes and left to the freezing -1 C and devastating 2 cm of snow. I was one of them.

The next week, the same thing happened, again. Snow. Everybody was completely freaked out. Twice in winter? Nobody got to work. There was no way you could buy winter-formula windshield fluid or a snow shovel, and the price of the salt skyrocketed to $15 a bag. But this time, it got worse. It was snowing for a whole day and there was a foot of snow covering the streets. Garbage trucks gave up, mailmen gave up. People panicked. They haven't seen this much snow since the 40s and they were not prepared for it. Some of them tried to leave their homes by simply getting to the car and hoping the snow would melt under their car's exhaust pipes, others tried use their blowers and rakes to fight the frozen unknown, and a few people, the innovators of the innovators embraced it and skied their way around a parking lot.

Today is December 23rd and the snow is still there. Every day I wake up and look out of the window only to find it laying on the street, on the roof, and on the overflowing garbage cans. It is still one more day till Christmas and I desperately hope I'll live long enough to see all the presents. I don't have any rolls left and my yogurt supply is running low, my dad cannot get to work, my mom couldn’t take me for a Christmas ride because the train has no winter tires, our dog has to pee standing up… it is the end of the world as I got to know it. Only the strong survive. Only the brave ones will live to see the light of spring. Please, Santa, make me one of them.

Monday, November 3, 2008

All pooped-out


Yeah, yeah, I should try writing my blog regularly but it seems much easier to write it on a day such as this one. It started last night. I fell asleep like any other day and then I was up in an hour and couldn't fall back asleep. Know what I mean? No matter how much you try, how much milk you drink, how many stupid thoughts you try not to have, how many farm animals you count… nothin'. Luckily, dad and I have an understanding of sorts and we spent the rest of the night hanging out Triangle club at GTA. And this morning I started cruisin'. And our dog started poopin'. We came back from the doctor (the finger's fine now - like I needed her to tell me that, I bit off them stitches more than two days ago), anyway, we got home and the crate and the dog were pooped all over. It was gross. And did you know that a dog can poop out of both ends? I am sorry to say, I saw it with my own eyes and it will haunt me for years to come. And now, it'll haunt you too. Aren't you glad you read my blog?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Up and down and up and down (with a stop at ER)


I'm getting real tired of these ups and downs. It's not I don't like excitement or surprises in my life (the jack-in-the-box thing is quite funny) but sometimes life seems to be pushing it a little too much. And not even two Ganeshas in one household seem to be able to do anything about it. Let me briefly recapitulate our Washington experience. It's quite hilarious. Since we came here, our dog got a parasitic infection and hives, my mom threw up like never before and my dad got a food poisoning. We went to Mt. Rainier and it was unbelievably gorgeous, we met some great friends and basically all the people we met since were so nice it would make a New-Jersian sick (luckily I am not one, I was just born there). Let me go faster now. The movers moved all our stuff for us and broke half of it. The dog ran away and came back. We met a lot of Czech people and most of them didn't even reply to our greeting. And last but not least, we found a great furniture store with a free on-site designer and amazing Indian and Chinese furniture. We got a baby-proofed ottoman (among other crap) and in 10 minutes after they delivered it, I managed to get my finger in. I ended up on a local ER and got 6 stitches. Again, the doctor was crazy nice and it was quite fun watching him sew my hand together. After the operation that made my dad green and my mom shaky, I got a stuffed zebra that's called "Bear" and got a lot of compliments for my walking. Whatever. The only thing that's really driving me nuts now is that I can't crawl. At least that's what my mom says all the time. But, again, on the UP side, it will go great with my dead-pirate Halloween costume tomorrow as I go dancing to a local strip club. I just hope chicks still dig that.