Bekvarm, Applad, Avsik… what the frak?

Today was just like any other day… for the past week, or year, or so. We went furniture scouting. Scouting over, yet again. I don't know just how many furniture stores can there be left in the King county. Hopefully not many. Don't take me wrong, some of them are fun but the ones we saw today were a little sucky. And let's face it how big a difference can there really be between their chair and their chair? I'm gonna chew on them both without discrimination...

But to our exciting day... first store we saw had the famous lion-leg-furniture fetish, the second one was kind-a trendy but the chairs had price stickers for 4k or so, the third one was my favorite. It was owned and operated by a skinny Indian guy who obviously missed the 80s era and tried to compensate for his loss with tons and tons of highly polished furniture and huge butt-ugly sofas. And the last one? It looked so bad from the outside, we didn't even dare going in.

Overall, let my just say: Lords of Cobol - bless Ikea. Their furniture may be crappy, but at least they make good meatballs. And you learn a lot Swedish curse words while you're at it (seriously, what else would all these Detolfs, Ektorps, and Besta Enoms stand for?).

What's wrong with us?

I haven't written anything in a while but that isn't because nothing crazy, totally ridiculous, and unbelievably frakked-up has happened… it's more like 'cause so many crazy, totally ridiculous, and unbelievably frakked-up things did happen. First, our dog started pooping all over the apartment which resulted in my parents going crazy, dog trying to conceal it, and me not being able to crawl anymore anywhere. It sucked. Then she started to look all funny… her body was filled with huge blisters, her lip got so big she looked like a mean bulldog, and her neck had a gross ball under it. It was so ugly I thought we are taking her to the vet to put her down. But, she got some pills for it, allergy or whatever, and got a poop test for the poop. Well, it turned out she's full of tiny little parasites. So, even before my parents figured out how to get her to eat those two pills three times a day, she needed more pills. Yup, it was fun, kind-a gross, but fun.

Then, my parents took me to some Indian restaurant. Boy, am I glad I didn't eat that stuff. It smelled real nice and first, I was kind-a jealous but that went away real soon. Both mom and dad got really sick. I mean "really" sick. And dad was disabled even the next day, no matter how much I tried to get his mind off it by jumping on his stomach and trying to fit my Tylenol bottle into his nose.

I have just one small question and then I go. What is it here that makes my family so sick? My mom was throwing up like crazy, then the dog got blisters and parasites, and then both of my parents got poisoned. I mean, is it just karma compensating for everything that goes well in our lives or is Washington's air really so frakking clean in makes our New Jersian bodies collaps?!

And when's my turn?

Wanna go farming?

If you wanna buy a house, you want Vivian; whether you know it or not. First I thought she was a little hyper but it seems that hyperactivity is the best trait when it comes to real estate. Just so that you see where all this house-hunting mania came from: daddy said that if I am a good boy on the plane, he’s gonna buy me a house. And I figured, I’ll take him up on it.

So, he had to ask Microsoft for a realtor. We got one and she took us out today. First, it was kind-a scary. She had a you-re-never-gonna-get-a-good-house-in-this-price-range-anywhere-round-here speech, and while she was talking we were passing these dilapidated farmhouses from 18-hundreds. I was almost freaking out and screaming at daddy that I was only kidding ‘bout the house… but then, she made a sharp turn and took us to a great neighborhood to a new house with 3 bedrooms, a den, huge light kitchen and living room, 2 garages, 3 bathrooms and a space under the stairs that is so big, that Harry could have sublet if he lived with us. Damn cool. I especially loved my new suite with a corner bath. I just hope my parents can fit into the nursery. And that we can buy it. And that we will.

Sunny

OK, so maybe uncle Jon didn’t babble that much. It was pretty sunny today. We went to a nearby park and got high on a double-shot espresso caramel blended ice coffee and went bio-shopping and did some more of these boring things. Nothing special. The weather was pretty neat though.

I need some coffee

Even when it rains it shines in Seattle? Don’t think so. It rained and rained and nothing shined through, at all. Uncle Jon was all like – it’s so damn hot in here, the sun’s shining like crazy, no rain at all! I don’t believe a word he said. It was raining like crazy from the time we sat down on the airport and rented that monster of a car that seemed to have swallowed our two cars and a minibus on top of that. Well, hopefully it will get better soon. If not, I heard my dad talking about going to a new age store for some special light and I don’t think I could handle that. New Age? Gimme a break. I like yoga and stuff but I don’t think I’d like anybody exploring my aura. For their own good.

Anyway, so we settled in our temporary housing, which is pretty good. From the outside it’s nothing special but it’s pretty good on the inside. The best part is that I got the master suite. I had the best time watching my mom and dad struggle trying to move my crib to that tiny bedroom. They tried and tried and they failed. So, they sleep in that tiny room while I enjoy the huge suite. Life’s good to this baby after all.

The only thing that sucks is that they brought our dog back. I kind-a hoped she’s gonna get lost or at least a little freaked out and as a result she’s gonna be nice and docile for a while. Didn’t happen. She’s the same bitch she was before take-off. I don’t what it would take to make her chill. Probably nothing. Honestly, I think that she would drive even Caesar crazy and he would kick her ass - off camera of course. I know I would.

Flying Crybaby

Don’t you hate it when people think you’re gonna be a crybaby on a plane and don’t even apologize when you’re the only one who’s not making any weird noises? I mean what’s the big deal? So we flew 3 thousand miles in rain and turbulences, so what? If I cry we won’t get there any faster – it’s a fact that the old gentlemen behind me didn’t seem to grasp…at all. I know it’s amazing that someone as old as he was can still fly and all that but did he have to make so much noise? I was just waiting for him to cough his lungs out. And also, I am so glad that my fine motor skills kicked in on time since otherwise I would not be able to pull the blanket over my head every 20 minutes or so when that terrible smell attacked. I don’t want to sound mean but it was real nasty. But hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – so, suck it up, Harry! I the boy who lived!

The Big Move

Walter really messed up. Leave it to a ninety-year-old guy who wants to be a magician at kid’s parties to survey an apartment and you get a lousiest of lousy results. No shocker, huh? Well… he came, he saw, he counted, and he grossly underestimated how much crap my mom and dad accumulated over the years. When the movers came, they were working for nine hours and didn’t finish (and didn’t even get started in the basement). What a day! They were nice and they worked like crazy robots but the sound of ripping tape was soon getting on my nerves. We tried to get out of the apartment but the jersey weather sucks and since I didn’t want to be as red as daddy is right now, we went back in to listen to tape tape symphony – till 7. Then they left and just by the way, they mentioned: yeah, we’ll be back before 7 tomorrow to finish it up. 7 AM! Insane Ecuadorians! Well, I let daddy deal with them by himself while I slept it off on the hotel.

Next day was even worse. They started packing the rest of our crap (we SO need that
feng shui thing) and the movers started loading it in a monster truck. Seriously, it looked like the whole neighborhood was moving. Well, they spent the whole day loading everything and I’m pretty sure they’d blow their brains out if they new we’re planning throw 90% of that crap away as soon as we get our hands on it. Poor suckers.