The Spirit of Stars and Stripes

I was kind-a hoping that I will spend my first Independence Day watching channel 243's Will-Smith-knocking-down-an-alien marathon but it didn't really work out that way. Don't ask me why but my parents thought that it would be more fun to clean the whole apartment and read books. Don't even get me started. I mean… from what I remember grandma would be more than happy to help with the house overhaul and she's coming tomorrow. It ain't like it can't wait no more. And reading books on 4^th of July? Isn't it a little un-American? We should be watching baseball on TV, barbecuing hot dogs and hamburgers, and drinking diet coke floats… at least the dog got into the spirit of things. It would suck to be the only patriot in my family.

Heck, it's hectic!

I guess, soon enough, hectic is gonna be my middle name. Especially after this weekend. The good thing was that I met my new aunts, drooled over uncle Jon, fell for an Afghani dress (and cuisine), and hanged out in the coffee shops and parks while the dog stayed at home. The bad thing was there was like hundred degrees outside and it was so humid that you weren’t able to breathe without thinking you're being water-boarded. The only good thing about this weather was the lightning bugs that were going crazy in our backyard... but then, I could watch them just when I took the dog to poop and that activity kind-a spoiled the romantic mood.

But back to the weekend. It was good even though my head was past the boiling point and you could fry an egg on my stroller. But we had a nice walk in Princeton, mommy kicked aunt Katka's butt in a really humiliating attempt at a Wii boxing match, we went to Philly (and luckily I was too young to get drafted, otherwise I think my mom would send me to Boston right then and there along with those losers in Abraham-Lincoln-style uniforms)… as I said, hectic. I wasn't even able to take a nap (not that I would really need to). And next weekend won't be any easier. Friday is the stars-and-stripes day, on Saturday my grandma's coming, on Sunday I'll have to play with all the toys she's gonna bring me, and on Monday we plan to go to NYC. There's no rest for the wicked.

Japanese chicks dig me, apparently

The weather's crappy today, nothing's on TV, and dog's asleep… so I decided to spend the afternoon with my comp - checking out my search engine compatibility. And let me tell you, it was really weird. Well, let me share my research and let's start with the losers and get our way up.

Yahoo is the biggest loser when it comes to making-any-sense-at-all results but it certainly wins in the sense-of-humor category. I mean, according to the results they either think I play chess, ping pong, soccer or that I yacht (that was actually the only picture they had of "me" which would be fine except for a small detail - I ain't no old dork sitting in a tiny ugly boat sailing into an oblivion). But I must say that I was real glad to find this webpage (even though I wasn't looking for it, yet). Thanx Yahoo, but I ain't dead yet!

Msn sucked as well. They found my website with the pictures (but didn't really use them in their image search, since the only picture I found was some weird guy and a slimy green sidewalk, don't ask me how it got there). Other than that, they thought I won some bike hall contest (again and again and again). Not that I don't like bikes, but a bike hall? I would never go for that!

Ask didn't know what it's doing either (sorry, daddy). They had no picture and thought I was interested in a bug house and some youth center in god-forsaken Britain. Also, they wanted me to expand on my daddy's boss… I mean, what's up with that? That sounds dirty.

Google was the only one that actually found what I was looking for - my pictures, my blog, some stuff about my daddy, pictures of me, my dad, my mom, my grandparents, even our doggie… and the best thing of all - I found out I am a huge hit in Japan! Look for yourself . Cool, huh? Eat it, [insert the reader's name here], I'm hot in Japan!

So much to do so little time

Today, everybody wanted a piece of me. It was crazy. As soon as I opened my eyes I was in high demand. And I ain't talking just 'bout mom, dad, and that smelly dog who's trying to lick my feet each and every morning... Uncle Tomas called that he's already waiting for me at the train station. I like him. His famous foot-to-head-and-butt-hanging-low baby hold is quite comfy so I was pretty eager to pick him up so that he can pick me up… but it wasn't so easy. We picked him up and dropped daddy off (he keeps talking 'bout making money for toys which I don't get. Why? I mean, I got tons of them and they keep on coming so why bother with going somewhere to get more of them?). And then we went to the vet 'cause it's been two weeks already and the dog didn't want to have those metal clips in her belly anymore. And then we went for a walk, for lunch to a classy Indian place, and to daddy's work to meet all my facebook buddies. So, in case you're reading this… it was real nice chatting with you all.

And now, on a little more personal note:

Aunt Manali, don't you worry, you didn't make me cry… it was the cubicles and the idea of growing up and going to school in couple of years just so that I can work till I drop… that got to be a little too much for me to handle.

And uncle Ben, I'm pretty sure that your head pulsated even more than mine when you were my age!

I'd shoot Aslan's head off

My daddy was crushed, smashed, perforated, stabbed, shot in his face/body/and limbs of all kinds, driven over, ignited, blown up, and pulverized last night. It was a cute little deathmatch from what I could tell. I especially liked the part when uncle Jon smashed my daddy against the wall or when daddy got so excited about finding a bazooka that he didn't realize he wasn't the only one who did and got blasted into oblivion. Don't take me wrong, I like my daddy—but there is still a strange kind of satisfaction in the fact that since he doesn’t want me cover his back (and instead, he insists on me falling asleep at 8pm while listening to Narnia), he then gets his head shot off. It's not that I mind talking lions and mice, but I sincerely believe that the Russian mob and Little Jacob have more practical life lessons in store for me than Caspian and Lucy combined. It's tough but true, ain't it uncle Jon?

PS: Can I be on your team next time?

Can't take the heat

I hate winter. I kind-a liked spring and I thought I was gonna love summer. I mean: beaches, swimming, tons of ice cream… come on! But it sure ain't shaping up the way I imagined. My folks read somewhere (probably in one of those really "smart" how-to-not-mess-up-a-kid-(much) books) that beach is no place for a guy under 6 months, so the beach's a gonner. Swimming - since I can't hit the beach, I ain't gonna hit the bathtub when I'm told to… I'm gonna make them regret that one. And apparently, I can't get any ice-cream either. Why not - beats me. So could anyone tell me how am I to cope with these 100-degrees-in-a-shadow-and-record-humidity stuff? 'Cause I sure have no idea. Summer sucks.

PS: And our neighbor's house's on fire. Summer sure sucks for him.

The Julie-less future

Remember Julie? Of course you do. Who wouldn't? Beautiful dark eyes that make you feel like you're the only person in the whole wide world, gorgeous brown hair, stunning smile, sweet red knees from all that skilled crawling… she's truly remarkable. And ever since she came on to me couple of weeks ago, I thought we had something special. I guess I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today, she crawled just past me and didn't even dignify my excited greeting with an answer. And since I'm still, obviously, very baby-like naïve and a hopeless romantic (on top of that), I thought that she was just playing it cool in front of everybody else or that she didn't see me… I don't know, I guess I was just being stupid… but there were like hundreds of possible excuses running in my head. And then, they all got crushed. She crawled toward Salvador (or whatever his stupid name was), stood up and hugged him. Just in front of me! He hugged her back and she looked at me with the worst expression ever. It was the evilest smile I've ever seen (even worse than Jon Stewart does when he's impersonating that Bush guy). How do you deal with something like that? What do you do when all your dreams and hopes for your future together get unexpectedly flushed down the toilet?

PS: Do you think that Expedia will reimburse the air tickets I got for our romantic getaway? Or would it be easier to find some other chick to take along at match.com? I mean, I seriously need some vacation after this.

The bitch is hardcore

Just a little update on our dog related issue. I must say I ain't sure if she actually had the $500 surgery or not. When we went to pick her up, she chewed on the leash and came running from the doctor's office, jumped into the car, ran up the stairs, and then followed a neighbor's fat cat into the stinky sewer (at least, she tried to). I mean, the only one I know who's tougher than her is John Rambo… and that's just because he actually performed the surgery on himself; the recovery was the same, give or take. And, honestly, I think that if she had opposable thumbs, she could've taken him.

It's really scary, you know. How can I now complain about my doctor's visits? What is an injection in comparison to ovariohysterectomy? How do you let anybody know that you have injection-phobia without feeling humiliated by the frakking dog? Maybe I should ask my daddy…

Quick Fix

I understand that our dog is being fixed today but I ain't sure what exactly is being fixed about her. It's not that she is so perfect… it's more like - there are so many issues I ain't sure where to start the fixing process. I really hope my folks made a good checklist for the doctor. Something like: Jumping on the bed. Check. Pulling on the leash. Check. Licking our adorable baby after his bath. Check. Not eating the smelly dry food. Check. Losing hair everywhere. Check. Sneezing. Check. Eating the cage bars. Check. Sniffing everyone's eyeballs. Check. And the list goes on… I just hope it will work out. But whether or not it fixes all these things, I must say I am really shocked, and impressed at the same time, that a surgery can fix any of this. I guess I will consider the career path in medicine after all.

No brainer

I never thought that squirrels are any smarties or brainers but today, one little flea-bag convinced me that they really are as dumb as they come. I was asleep and heard some barking coming from our balcony, which is really weird. I mean, we got a dog but she doesn’t bark. Don't ask me why but even I can make better barking sounds than she… I guess it's got something to do with her big ears and piggy tail, but who knows? (And, honestly, who cares?) But back to the "story." I went to check it out and there was an ugly squirrel sitting on the balcony and barking like crazy. Even when the dog got there and tried to chase her away, she didn't run away; she just merely moved down couple of inches and kept on barking. I don't know what it was all about. She was either really dumb or had rabies. Or both. Yeah, probably both… 'cause it is still on the balcony, head-down barking towards a sleeping cat 20 feet bellow. I mean, come on, squirrel, get a life! (somewhere else)

Indian all nighter

I'm so groggy today I might actually take a nap. Well, I guess I'm not as invincible as I thought I was… and that little all nighter I pulled last night is really gonna take its toll. That can actually make my mom pretty happy… but even so, it was worth it. My folks, uncle Jiankuan, and I went for dinner to that Indian place. And even though it might sound like a drag, it sure wasn't. On top of the spicy food, spicier chatting, and even spicier dancing on the table… I did some new cool flying stunts, did some networking with the owner, and got a huge box of chocolates all for myself (now, I need to think about a way to make my doctor believe I won't choke on them). Well, what can I say? It was pretty darn cool evening.

PS: Did you know that okra can be slippery? I mean REALLY slippery?! (But in all fairness, it ain't as slippery as paneer.)

Curry-less state of mind

Have I ever told you how much I love Indian food? Well, I do. And who could blame me? Especially since I actually grew up on curry… literally. My folks were supplying me with weekly Lister-style doses of masalas and currys and pakodas long before I was actually born, and they haven't stopped since. And that's one thing I never had any problem with… and now, it's over. Albert left me. Albert, who I've known my whole life is gone. Back to India. Back to his family. And I am left curry-less. To be honest, I was devastated. I couldn't help but cry like a baby when he hugged me goodbye. It sucks. And it's kind-a sad when you realize that a way to your heart really is through your stomach (and, in my case, through a middleman - mommy). I mean, will I ever find such a well-matched friend again? I can only hope.

Stay in touch, Albert! I'll miss ya.

Help me, Dr. Jones!

I tried to be subtle, you know? First, I tried carrying my hat everywhere I went. That didn't work. OK. So, I began snatching the hat from behind the door just the second before it'd smash my hand. Still nothing. So, I began screaming at a mere sight of my toy snake, riding a stuffed elephant, and eating my Lamaze monkey's head. And? Nothing. And it's been a week now. I don't know if my parents are just playing dumb or if they really don't get it (and I'm not sure what's worse) but they don't respond, at all. How do they want to teach me a sign language when they ignore such basic signs? I mean, come on: elephants, monkey's brain, snakes, and a hat, hat, HAT! Who doesn't get that?!

Frak! I guess I'll have to wait till it gets out on a DVD or I can talk, whichever comes first.

Jail-time 101

I don't want to lose my dad. It'd mean no more balloon races, no more dog riding stunts, no more GTA hang-out time… how would I cope? Just so that you see where it's coming from… my dad might go to prison. At least that's my understanding. He's going to a court tonight and then, if it goes bad and mommy doesn't get enough bail money… who knows what might happen. I just hope that they wouldn't send him away for long. I mean, I know he's guilty. He knew the license plate fell off and he didn't put it back on in time… but I really hope that the judge will take into consideration that he has an innocent baby boy who really needs him in order to experience a healthy and well-balanced emotional development. Well, there's nothing more we can do than hope for the best Metuchen public attorney... we sure can't afford Richard Gere.

One-oh-oh

Yeah, it's here. The one and only thing I was ever scared of: the big one-oh-oh. Yeah, it's sad but true. The childhood is gone. I'm officially old. 100 days! I've always wondered how the world'll look like when I become this old. It seemed so far in the future that I was kind-a hoping for transporters, warp drives, or at least some landspeeder-strollers… instead, I still have to drive backwards in that gray Graco carriage of mine, and the hottest thing in a neighborhood is our Sonata. Let me tell you, it's pretty pathetic. I guess I had my expectations way too high but that's what you get when your parents take you to the Star Wars exhibition as soon as you can hold your head up, read you Wired and books about Androids before you go to bed, let you play with rattles that look like Enterprise A and Klingon battle cruisers, and call their dog after a dog-like-creature from a tiny planet in the Delta Quadrant… let me ask you just one question and then I'm outta here… is it normal for a family to be so messed up?

Houston, we got a problem

I guess that different folks have different expectations from their children. Some want them to grow up and be good parents (kind-a no-imagination-left-in-us, if you ask me), others want them to be surgeons or famous artists (or whoever, who has a lot of recognition and even more dough)... my parents are much more flexible, they say I can be whatever I want as far as it is a cosmonaut. I sincerely hope they're just being funny. But I've heard my dad talking about some mission to Mars stuff, so I'm not sure anymore. He even mentioned something about owning a part of that darn thing and how cool it would be if I could actually see it. But if you ask me, I won't go anywhere near that thing… no wonder they got it so cheap on the Internet, there's a huge active volcano just behind it… no person in his right mind would ever go there (not to mention move there)… but then, the right mind does seem a little irrelevant these days, don't it?

But if I really had to go there one day, I really hope to land in something awesomer than the Phoenix Lander that just arrived over there a little while ago. Just look at it… I mean, I get the "looks are not everything" and "the important thing is what's inside" theory… but honestly, NASA needs some serious design help.

Some like it hot, some like it not

Sorry I haven't written anything in a couple of days (in case anybody but my dad really reads this) but I felt pretty darn bad. Mom had this really wonderful [insert ironic grin here] idea of buying some spicy Chinese food from unidentified source and, no wonder, I got sick. In all the fairness of the world [insert ironic double smirk here] she was fine, dad was fine, dog was fine… and I could not eat nor sleep for almost three days. But it seems that I am, finally, feeling a little better today. I don't really know what was the problem since I'm no wimp when it comes to spicy stuff... just ask my buddy Albert (from the Indian restaurant near our place), he served me my first masalas and dals and alu gobis long before I was born and the smell of curry and coriander always soothes me, even now. I know my grandma says that this stuff is not good for my European body, but I think there are much worse things on this world that could happen to it - like Czech knedlo-vepro-zelo or exercise.

Weekends suck!

What do you, folks, see so special about weekends anyway? I just don't get it. Why would anyone actually look forward to those obnoxious days? It means less rest and more of everything else; and by everything else I mostly mean unnecessarily sarcastic behavior on my parents' side. A hairdresser? Are you kidding me? It's not like I need anybody reminding me of my receding hairline and criticizing my cradle cap. Grocery shopping and cooking? Yeah, yeah, very funny… especially since I am stuck with the milk for another 3 months, at least. Roller-blading? Actually that wasn't so terrible since I was able to listen to Lust for Life from Trainspotting the whole ride and it would have been even better if those damn holes haven't kept waking me up every five seconds. What can I say? I may be the first one to say it and actually mean it but I really love Mondays!

Oh, Julie…

Would you believe that today was the first day I finally realized that older chicks dig me? I mean, the grannies in the grocery stores and nurses at the doctor's office always fell for me, there was no doubt about that… they usually flipped as soon as I walked in the door… but Julie was just about a year old and if her mom would not stop her, she would be all over me today. We were hanging out at our weekly storytime as usual, totally cas, and she came crawling towards me, gave me a gorgeous smile and stole my nametag. I tried to play it cool and it would have worked just fine if her mom didn't intervene. What is it with those people anyway? So unreasonably protective… don't they realize that it's never too early to learn this stuff? I mean, come on… haven't they read Brave new world?!

Just like Elm street

Freddy Kruger would be so proud of us last night! We were missing just the water bed with a dead chick and those big hands with scissors on them to make the nightmare Hollywood-worthy. Judge for yourself… I couldn't fall asleep and when I finally did, the dog got sick. I mean, what do they put in a dog food anyway? It must be something really gross (no matter how organic it is) since she was throwing up like crazy. And when she finally felt better and I fell asleep again, I realized I was hungry and my stomach ached and then I was hungry again and I couldn't fall asleep till 5. And just as I was wide-awake, mom was not… I really thought she was to drop me... The good thing was that dad was the one who took care of changing me last night, otherwise who knows what would have happened. Certainly, nothing good. But even though the odds were against us, we survived - no matter how much fraked up we felt (and feel till now). Force be with us all (yeah, we watched the Star Wars III last night… hm, come to think of it, maybe the dog was not sick after eating that canned meat after all.)